It’s hard too tell whether one is going through retarded puberty or a mid-life crisis sometimes. When to dye my hair or not dye my hair becomes the question, it is clear that there are really many things to worry about. Anyone not having some hairs turn white, or fall out, certainly has some way of remaining more relaxed. The problem with both adolescence and resistance to aging is ego-centricity. It’s tempting to remember being a child. I remember iceskating downhill in the apple orchard as a kid when the thick snow was entirely frozen over with a strong sheet of ice, and before that, just wandering through the orchard without a care, just dissecting seed pods or getting down on the ground to admire insects. But those days are long behind many of us now. Fear of death is upon us, and it drives us back to attempting to be immortal, hence the puberty and mid-life crisis theme.
The plant and animals seem to have things figured out, how to live in harmony, but with a closer look, they too all perish. What becomes of them? If we could speak its language, would a creature too have the same trembling together as you and me? Nature may seem like utopia, but that is true only for the seasons. We sentient beings who experience such changes are more fragile, unless perhaps even the weather and space have nerves or a metabolism of some kind. I wonder if scientists examine the bridge between consciousness and action. The behavior of the climate and the beings at its mercy work so benevolently. It’s almost enough to give hope that death too must not be so bad.
Fear of death signifies the desire to continue living. What is living life for? Frankly, the inner life is a sort of miniature passing, and that is what many people flee, unless it is used for worship. In the inner life are only the angels in our hearts, the people we care about. Not wanting to lose each other is truly a disturbing thing, but just knowing loved ones are alive and will arrive at their deathbeds with no regrets is really all one could ask for. To be here now is everyone’s responsibility for such good luck to occur. That is why aging is the way forward, rather than continuously practicing. The inner life is childhood all over again, and this is a very vulnerable state.
The inner life is a way to prolong life, refuge from failing to live up to our wildest dreams. Aspirations I had those early days are like water under the bridge now. That is a common feeling, bringing a sense of community with friends and strangers alike. For some reason, the scientific theories I pondered as a very young girl never found a vessel. As a kid, I thought being needy would not be becoming of adults, that I must do something to make the world a better place. I gave up, even by age four or five or so. The fun switched over to hobbies like geeking out on yellow spotted salamanders from the basement, learning to recognize the gifts given.
We must be able to acknowledge the working of Kundalini in the soil beneath our feet from effect rising through the organism, and the breath, which blesses the body with life, without trying. It’s tricky not to confuse Kundalini with libido, or social conventions with personal aims. The ego, which desires to be powerful, invites such misunderstandings, can distract from the many valuable lessons around us. The people alive today are subject to similar stress. Discerning between peer pressure and the watchful eye of the divine also connotes healthy shame and striving. There is an imaginary world, and there is reality, fear of death and the will to survive.
When we are home alone, we are truly alone, and we are always home. Belief in God is one thing, and struggling with being embodied is another. To wish for all our dreams to come true, that is egotistical, as is not dreaming at all. When we are locally focused, trying to do our best in our own communities, that is all that matters. When the fear of death knocks, it is an opportunity to be content. We are blessed to have time to witness the creation and to love with deep respect. Tenacity, grace and humility are the qualities of one who can die alone. Dreams of our ancestors may collect dust on the artifacts and heirloom no longer useful, except when they appear in our own dream. We have this chance to confront our fear, know the Lord and be gentle with the earth, and still be trustworthy, today or tomorrow.